If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
