I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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