Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
