my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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