I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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