i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
