so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
