Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
