A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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