So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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