you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
