Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
