My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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