So drunk its hurt
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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