I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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