1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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