dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
