How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize