I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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