i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
