i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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