White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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