just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
