a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
