Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize