the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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