My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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