I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize