I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
