Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
