Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
