I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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