I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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