I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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