Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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