Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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