Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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