You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
