Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
