I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
