Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
