I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize