Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
