I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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