I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
