literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
