My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
