Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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