my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
