I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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