How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I can't turn off my feet"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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