Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
