It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
