I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
