I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize