don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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